I'm overwhelmed today by the love of God. I know it's become a cliche thing to say, but that's only because God's love is so big, so rampant, so pervasive and overwhelming that we can't help but be overwhelmed by it...by Him. And the cliche sound of it only proves that fact.
I've been on a journey over the past couple of months...really over my lifetime, but God has been opening my eyes to new things recently that have been making me more aware of who He is and who I am in Him.
About a month ago, I went on a men's retreat with my church that was definitely needed. There were a couple of things that God opened my eyes to:
- My call to ministry, and
- My identity
I'm called to be a pastor and God is working in me and opening my eyes to what that looks like, but I'll talk more about that another time. What I'm overwhelmed with today is my identity in Him.
I have two sons and they get scared sometimes. When this happens, I've made it my habit to get their attention...a difficult task most days...and tell them that they are my boys. I'll say, "You don't have to be scared. Daddy's here. And what's daddy's job?"
"To take care of us." I've taught them this answer as well as the answers to follow...
"That's right. And who's the strongest?"
"Daddy," or "You are."
"That's right. And I will do everything in my power to take care of you. You are my boy and I will protect you."
Yes, it sounds like I taught my boys to puff up my ego...and maybe that's a little true, but really the bigger and stronger I am in their minds, the safer and more secure they feel. Knowing that they are the sons of the biggest and strongest daddy helps let's them know that everything will be okay.
At the retreat, what hit me in a huge way is that I am God's boy. I could hear my words from Him, "You [Chris], are my boy." I heard it over and over, "You are my boy." God was drilling it into my head and my very soul.
I know that God is the biggest and strongest in every way. He is the Creator of all things. If I'm His boy, I have nothing to fear. As He calls me to follow Him, I can go with confidence that I am on the shoulders of the One that is greater than all others. There is literally nothing that can stand in His way.
It's like on The Godfather, when Diane Keaton's character tells Al Pacino's character that she's leaving him and taking their kids. He says, "Don't you know that I would never let that happen. Don't you know that I would use all my power to stop you. You will not take my family!"
I can hear God speaking with that kind of passion and much, much more power for all of His children. The reality is that God loves each of us with this kind of power and passion. The truth is that God will do whatever it takes to take care of us...to rescue us...to save us because we are His children. You and I are His.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
I already know this...but I keep forgetting.
I remember the first time I read through the Old Testament and had some sort of understanding of it. I was in high school and had a better comprehensive ability than when I was a child. Not that I was able to completely comprehend it (I'm still working on that...and probably won't ever fully reach my goal while here on Earth), but I was able to follow the biblical narrative without thinking that the OT is a bunch of cute children stories.
You see, I was in a really bad mood today. I wanted some time for myself and I didn't get it. I was having a bit of a pity party when I sat down to read James 4. This is what hit me:
The main idea that I got from reading through it was, "What is wrong with the Israelites?!?"
It didn't make any sense to me. The Israelites...God's chosen people...the ones with whom God was actually present in a physical form (in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve, represented by a pillar of fire at night and a pillar of smoke during the day while the Israelites were in the desert, etc.)...the ones who witnessed and accepted the earthly freedom granted by God (the plagues of Egypt, parting and crossing the Red Sea, etc) continued not to "get it". Over and over again they fell away from God. They turned away from God after witnessing Him move in extraordinary ways. They brought on their own death and punishment, yet they didn't learn. It drove me crazy!
As I read, I kept thinking of the words of Frank Cross finding a dead homeless man named Herman in Scrooged. This is how it went...with a slight variation to speak to the Israelites, "You moron[s]! You jerk[s]! Why didn't you stay [with God]? [He] would have taken care of you! You would have eaten and been warm! You [would] be alive! You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that!" I know it's a lot of exclamation points, but Frank Cross yells a lot and I felt the same. They don't "get it". There is no life apart from God, yet they kept turning from Him. I would laugh out of disbelief and I would get angry because they just wouldn't "get it".
I thought over and over as I read, "If I had the opportunity that they had, I would never forget. I would never turn away."
I heard the beginning of a sermon this last week about anger. Basically, the pastor was saying that he had an anger problem and he believes that the majority of us (Americans) do too. Citing facts such as road rage, getting angry because we are cut off in line, etc. His point wasn't that we are all blowing up all the time, but that we are easily set off by little things. I agree completely with him. In fact, over the course of this last year, I've figured out that I've been struggling with anger myself. Because of my struggle, I was very excited to hear what this pastor had to say, but I had to go to work. I never caught the pastor's name or any way in which I would be able to hear the rest of the message. The only thing I got from it was that the answer to our struggle comes from James.
Now, I'm not a "3-steps to _______" kind of guy, so I'm leery when someone claims to have a quick answer for such a big problem. BUT (this is a big "but", hence the all caps) I am completely sold when someone says that the Bible has the answer to such a huge problem. Not a simple or easy to attain answer, but an answer. So I started to read James again over the last couple of days, and it wasn't until today that I had one of those "Aha!" moments. Really it was today that God opened my eyes to what He was trying to tell me.
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? 6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
'God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.'
"7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you.Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."
I've read this passage countless times, but God opened my eyes to it again today. I've spent countless hours in God's presence. I've seen Him perform miracles. I've witnessed and experienced His earthly and spiritual freedom, yet I continually turn away from Him. I continually forget what just happened.
I don't "get it".
I started to quote Frank Cross to myself today.
I don't "get it".
I started to quote Frank Cross to myself today.
What I know about the anger I've been struggling with is that it's because of me. My wants. My desires. My expectations that go unmet. My motives have been focused on me.
What amazes me is that even though I mess up and focus solely on myself, God "jealously longs for the spirit He has caused to dwell in [me]." The weight of that statement overwhelmed me today. I was longing for more of me; and God, who created all things, who conquered death, who provides salvation to all who believe in Him, longs for the spirit dwelling in me. The natural reaction to comprehending that statement is what verses 7-10 say to do: Resist the devil and all of his temptations and he will flee from you. Repent. Submit yourselves to God, come near to Him, humble yourselves before Him and He will lift you up.
Then, after all that, the very last verse of chapter four hit me over the head, "So then, if you know the good you ought to do and don't do it, you sin." So I took some steps today that I've needed to do for a while. I won't get into the details because that would defeat the purpose of what I did, but I want to encourage you to do what God has already laid on your heart to do.
Then, after all that, the very last verse of chapter four hit me over the head, "So then, if you know the good you ought to do and don't do it, you sin." So I took some steps today that I've needed to do for a while. I won't get into the details because that would defeat the purpose of what I did, but I want to encourage you to do what God has already laid on your heart to do.
These are not new lessons. They're the same lessons I've learned hundreds of times in my life. My selfishness brings death. However, when there is less of me and more of God, I receive life. Life to the full (John 10:10).
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Girly hair and "I love you, dude"
I've been growing my hair out for the first time in years. I typically have a shaved head and I felt like a change. I wanted to get a greaser look going, but now that Laurel understands what I mean by that, it's been vetoed.
So it's finally getting a little longer and I've been mostly having it stick up in funky ways, because I like it. And when I told Laurel that some people had complimented my hair, she couldn't believe it, but proceeded to tell me that she's realizing, now that I have hair for the first time in years, that it is thick and volumptous. She said that most women would love to have my hair.
Then the next day I was leaving a message for a friend and ended with, "I love you, dude." This is not the first time I've done this. I've done it to several guy friends in the last few months. It just comes out. I don't plan on it or even think about it. As soon as I hung up, I thought that he's going to think I'm a little out there.
Not sure what this all means. Am I just getting in touch with my feminine side? I know that guys are definitely going to have odd reactions when I say, "I love you, dude", but I can't help it. Like I said, it just comes out.
I think that as I grow in my walk with Jesus, I don't care as much about what others think. He just comes through in life. He is Love. And I know we are in a culture that does not express it verbally to each other unless we are talking with our mom, spouse or about In-N-Out animal style cheeseburgers, but it needs to be said. It needs to be expressed.
The reality is that Jesus said, "There is no greater way to love than to give your life for your friends" (John 15:13, The Voice). I want to live for Jesus and that means that I need to love people. That means that I should be willing to lay my life down for others. I know saying, "I love you, dude" is not considered very manly in our culture, but dying for someone else is the ultimate manly act.
So let's just say that when, "I love you, dude" comes out of my mouth, it really means "I'm willing to give up my life for you"...which ultimately means, "I love you, dude."
Maybe I should just get a haircut...
So it's finally getting a little longer and I've been mostly having it stick up in funky ways, because I like it. And when I told Laurel that some people had complimented my hair, she couldn't believe it, but proceeded to tell me that she's realizing, now that I have hair for the first time in years, that it is thick and volumptous. She said that most women would love to have my hair.
Then the next day I was leaving a message for a friend and ended with, "I love you, dude." This is not the first time I've done this. I've done it to several guy friends in the last few months. It just comes out. I don't plan on it or even think about it. As soon as I hung up, I thought that he's going to think I'm a little out there.
Not sure what this all means. Am I just getting in touch with my feminine side? I know that guys are definitely going to have odd reactions when I say, "I love you, dude", but I can't help it. Like I said, it just comes out.
I think that as I grow in my walk with Jesus, I don't care as much about what others think. He just comes through in life. He is Love. And I know we are in a culture that does not express it verbally to each other unless we are talking with our mom, spouse or about In-N-Out animal style cheeseburgers, but it needs to be said. It needs to be expressed.
The reality is that Jesus said, "There is no greater way to love than to give your life for your friends" (John 15:13, The Voice). I want to live for Jesus and that means that I need to love people. That means that I should be willing to lay my life down for others. I know saying, "I love you, dude" is not considered very manly in our culture, but dying for someone else is the ultimate manly act.
So let's just say that when, "I love you, dude" comes out of my mouth, it really means "I'm willing to give up my life for you"...which ultimately means, "I love you, dude."
Maybe I should just get a haircut...
Monday, February 18, 2013
40 Days with Jesus...
Romans 12:1-2
Lord, knowing your mercies...your grace...your love...your sacrifice...You. I give myself wholly to You. I want to worship you with my entire being...to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. Whatever I have is from you and I'm releasing it back to you...to honor you...to glorify you...to worship you.
Keep this world from molding me. Don't let it's influence grab ahold of me and use me. Transform me, Lord Jesus. Renew my heart and my mind. Take my brokenness...my everything and make me new. Make me Yours. Place me into your story so that you will be known.
I am yours, Great I Am...Savior.
Amen.
James 1:1-12
Lord, don't let me run from hardship. Let me learn and grow in the midst of it. Help me to learn complete reliance on You. It's so easy to be swayed by the world. Human wisdom makes sense. It's what we know. It's difficult to step out with your wisdom. It look foolish to us. But I know that every single time that I step out and follow Your wisdom, it makes so much more sense when I look back on it all.
Give me Your wisdom, Lord Jesus.
Don't let me be swayed by every new thought and idea...by my own human understanding and reason. Give me Your wisdom. Make me look foolish to the world in following you.
Give me a single-minded commitment to you, Jesus. You know I'm obsessive. Make me obsessed with you.
Give me the strength to stand tall under trials...under the weight of this world. I am weak. But I know you are strong. I will find all that I need in You. I know that, Lord. I don't want anything else to come between my relationship with you. Forgive me for so easily being swayed by the tossing waves. Make me move with you, Ruach Yahweh.
I love you.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
James 1:13-18
Lord, keep me from being consumed with desire. I'm sorry for living for anything other than you. You are God and I want to worship you alone. I'm sorry for giving up the freedom that you've given us by being enslaved to sin. Forgive me, Lord.
I want You.
Thank you for the gift of freedom. For life. I feel more alive today than I have in a long time. I'm enjoying life more than I have in quite a while. It's all because of You. The Giver of Life. Redeemer. Savior. You've made me new (again...for the I don't know how many times). I'm excited to be with you...to spend time with you...to be consumed by you.
You are everything.
Lord, use me. Use me in any way that you see fit. Use me to bring glory to yourself. Use me to help others know you...to share the gift of life that you exuberantly offer to all of us.
Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for this desert time. I feel I am beginning to know you in new ways. To trust you. To rely on you. Lord, prepare me for your work. So that I will speak volumes for you. So that I will actively live for you in every aspect of life.
Thank you, Jesus. You are amazing. I love you. I am yours. Amen.
James 1:19-27
Lord, this passage hits close to home. When I read about the last verse in this passage about caring for orphans and widows who suffer needlessly, my heart breaks. I know your heart breaks for them as well. I want to live out the love and grace that you've freely given. Help me to help those who hurt. Use me to reveal you to the world. Use me to give a home and a family to those who have none. Help me to love as you love.
Thank you for my boys, Lord. Thank you for your redemptive healing presence. Please continue to work in their lives...to heal them...to use them in mighty ways for you. For your glory and honor.
You've shown us in Scripture that the orphaned have a special place in your heart and that you use them to do amazing things for your Kingdom. Use my boys. They are yours. Use me to raise them up in you...to show them how amazing you are...how exciting it is to follow you...to show them that you are LORD...that you are enough...that you are THE HEALER...REDEEMER...LIFE-GIVER... SAVIOR. That YOU ARE our HOPE and our LIFE...that you are EVERYTHING. Thank you, Jesus. I love you. I can't wait to see you work in their lives and in my entire family's. In Jesus' name, amen.
James 2:14-20
Lord, knowing your mercies...your grace...your love...your sacrifice...You. I give myself wholly to You. I want to worship you with my entire being...to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. Whatever I have is from you and I'm releasing it back to you...to honor you...to glorify you...to worship you.
Keep this world from molding me. Don't let it's influence grab ahold of me and use me. Transform me, Lord Jesus. Renew my heart and my mind. Take my brokenness...my everything and make me new. Make me Yours. Place me into your story so that you will be known.
I am yours, Great I Am...Savior.
Amen.
James 1:1-12
Lord, don't let me run from hardship. Let me learn and grow in the midst of it. Help me to learn complete reliance on You. It's so easy to be swayed by the world. Human wisdom makes sense. It's what we know. It's difficult to step out with your wisdom. It look foolish to us. But I know that every single time that I step out and follow Your wisdom, it makes so much more sense when I look back on it all.
Give me Your wisdom, Lord Jesus.
Don't let me be swayed by every new thought and idea...by my own human understanding and reason. Give me Your wisdom. Make me look foolish to the world in following you.
Give me a single-minded commitment to you, Jesus. You know I'm obsessive. Make me obsessed with you.
Give me the strength to stand tall under trials...under the weight of this world. I am weak. But I know you are strong. I will find all that I need in You. I know that, Lord. I don't want anything else to come between my relationship with you. Forgive me for so easily being swayed by the tossing waves. Make me move with you, Ruach Yahweh.
I love you.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
James 1:13-18
Lord, keep me from being consumed with desire. I'm sorry for living for anything other than you. You are God and I want to worship you alone. I'm sorry for giving up the freedom that you've given us by being enslaved to sin. Forgive me, Lord.
I want You.
Thank you for the gift of freedom. For life. I feel more alive today than I have in a long time. I'm enjoying life more than I have in quite a while. It's all because of You. The Giver of Life. Redeemer. Savior. You've made me new (again...for the I don't know how many times). I'm excited to be with you...to spend time with you...to be consumed by you.
You are everything.
Lord, use me. Use me in any way that you see fit. Use me to bring glory to yourself. Use me to help others know you...to share the gift of life that you exuberantly offer to all of us.
Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for this desert time. I feel I am beginning to know you in new ways. To trust you. To rely on you. Lord, prepare me for your work. So that I will speak volumes for you. So that I will actively live for you in every aspect of life.
Thank you, Jesus. You are amazing. I love you. I am yours. Amen.
James 1:19-27
Lord, this passage hits close to home. When I read about the last verse in this passage about caring for orphans and widows who suffer needlessly, my heart breaks. I know your heart breaks for them as well. I want to live out the love and grace that you've freely given. Help me to help those who hurt. Use me to reveal you to the world. Use me to give a home and a family to those who have none. Help me to love as you love.
Thank you for my boys, Lord. Thank you for your redemptive healing presence. Please continue to work in their lives...to heal them...to use them in mighty ways for you. For your glory and honor.
You've shown us in Scripture that the orphaned have a special place in your heart and that you use them to do amazing things for your Kingdom. Use my boys. They are yours. Use me to raise them up in you...to show them how amazing you are...how exciting it is to follow you...to show them that you are LORD...that you are enough...that you are THE HEALER...REDEEMER...LIFE-GIVER... SAVIOR. That YOU ARE our HOPE and our LIFE...that you are EVERYTHING. Thank you, Jesus. I love you. I can't wait to see you work in their lives and in my entire family's. In Jesus' name, amen.
James 2:14-20
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I Feel Weird...
I think I wierded my wife, Laurel, out the first time I told her this. She immediately responded with, "What do you mean?" with a perplexed and unsure look on her face. For quite a while I wasn't sure myself, other than I felt out of sorts. I felt down, irritable, depressed...I'm not exactly sure, maybe I could simply say that I felt, "blah". But I'd tell her that this didn't fully express what I was feeling.
Eventually, I would realize that what was really happening was that I was being attacked spiritually. This may sound strange to some people, but it's a very real thing (1 Peter 5:8). The Enemy (satan, the devil, etc.) is looking for prey at all times. He wants to "devour" us. We are in spiritual warfare and it is terribly real. Even Adam Sandler seemed to understand this in his movie, Little Nicky.
In the movie, Sandler plays one of three sons of the devil. The other two sons convince the people in New York that they can do whatever they want without consequence. In the climax of the movie, the worst of the three sons, Adrian, is speaking to a crowd that had gathered and he says:
Welcome to the party! It's so nice to see you all here! I'm so proud of
you. You've taken to sin with such minimal prompting. You're acting
as if there is no heaven or hell. Well, I've got news for you. There is
most definitely a hell and you're all gonna go there when you die.
He was roaming around looking to for people to devour just as the passage talks about in Scripture. It's real. It's happening. It was happening to me today.
I felt down and irritable all day. But, again, it was more than that. I thought at this point in life, I would've caught on sooner, but it wasn't until this evening as I was on my knees before the One, True God that I realized that "I felt weird today...that I was being attacked."
My prayer time was really about what God wants in me...how He wants to use me...what He has planned for me...how He has had you and me in mind since the beginning of creation to take part in His work of saving the world through His Son, Jesus. I was on my knees giving myself fully to God to use me in any way that He may see fit for His glory...for His honor...to further His Kingdom, when I realized (or, more probably, when God revealed to me) that the Enemy was on prowl because he did not want that to happen today or any day. He doesn't want me in the battle. He wants me to sit back and settle into the life that I want...the life that I've created for myself. That life looks good to him. That's the life that the devil wants me to live. It's the unfruitful life. It's the life that steps out of the battle and does nothing to help others find the saving grace of our Lord, Jesus.
I don't want that life.
I want adventure. I want meaning. I want to follow the One, True God. I want my life to have purpose in Him. I want to lay everything that I want (I realize the irony here) at His feet and to be used in whatever way He sees fit. I want these things not because it's the most fun...truthfully, it will be the most difficult...but because He is worth it. This life is not about me and my wants. It's about Jesus. End of story. And to truly live for Jesus means that I better get ready for battle. We follow a Warrior God who is willing to lay everything down for us and to stand up against the devil on our behalf. I'm ready to follow Him into battle. I'm putting on my armor (Ephesians 6:10-20) and following the only One worthy of following in this life. The Purpose of this life.
“The Lord is my strength and my defense;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
The Lord is a warrior;
the Lord is his name.
-Exodus 15:2-3
Eventually, I would realize that what was really happening was that I was being attacked spiritually. This may sound strange to some people, but it's a very real thing (1 Peter 5:8). The Enemy (satan, the devil, etc.) is looking for prey at all times. He wants to "devour" us. We are in spiritual warfare and it is terribly real. Even Adam Sandler seemed to understand this in his movie, Little Nicky.
In the movie, Sandler plays one of three sons of the devil. The other two sons convince the people in New York that they can do whatever they want without consequence. In the climax of the movie, the worst of the three sons, Adrian, is speaking to a crowd that had gathered and he says:
Welcome to the party! It's so nice to see you all here! I'm so proud of
you. You've taken to sin with such minimal prompting. You're acting
as if there is no heaven or hell. Well, I've got news for you. There is
most definitely a hell and you're all gonna go there when you die.
He was roaming around looking to for people to devour just as the passage talks about in Scripture. It's real. It's happening. It was happening to me today.
I felt down and irritable all day. But, again, it was more than that. I thought at this point in life, I would've caught on sooner, but it wasn't until this evening as I was on my knees before the One, True God that I realized that "I felt weird today...that I was being attacked."
My prayer time was really about what God wants in me...how He wants to use me...what He has planned for me...how He has had you and me in mind since the beginning of creation to take part in His work of saving the world through His Son, Jesus. I was on my knees giving myself fully to God to use me in any way that He may see fit for His glory...for His honor...to further His Kingdom, when I realized (or, more probably, when God revealed to me) that the Enemy was on prowl because he did not want that to happen today or any day. He doesn't want me in the battle. He wants me to sit back and settle into the life that I want...the life that I've created for myself. That life looks good to him. That's the life that the devil wants me to live. It's the unfruitful life. It's the life that steps out of the battle and does nothing to help others find the saving grace of our Lord, Jesus.
I don't want that life.
I want adventure. I want meaning. I want to follow the One, True God. I want my life to have purpose in Him. I want to lay everything that I want (I realize the irony here) at His feet and to be used in whatever way He sees fit. I want these things not because it's the most fun...truthfully, it will be the most difficult...but because He is worth it. This life is not about me and my wants. It's about Jesus. End of story. And to truly live for Jesus means that I better get ready for battle. We follow a Warrior God who is willing to lay everything down for us and to stand up against the devil on our behalf. I'm ready to follow Him into battle. I'm putting on my armor (Ephesians 6:10-20) and following the only One worthy of following in this life. The Purpose of this life.
“The Lord is my strength and my defense;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
The Lord is a warrior;
the Lord is his name.
-Exodus 15:2-3
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Official Thank You to my Wife
My wife is AMAZING! There are so many things I could say about her right now, but I want to take a moment and thank her for her unprecedented support and faithfulness. Her faithfulness in Jesus first and foremost. It's inspiring. It's convicting. And her support of me.
She has stood by my side as I've needed time to heal from getting burned in full-time ministry. She gave me space, love, support of a new adventure and a push when I truly needed it to turn my face back to the Almighty God...our Savior, Jesus. I feel filled with a passion for him that I haven't had in a while, and I wouldn't be where I am right now if she hadn't been an extraordinary wife. If she hadn't been the example of Christ to me that she has been over the last year or so (really throughout our entire relationship).
Thank you, Laurel! You are a Godsend.
Thank you, Jesus, for my wife. For using her to grab a hold of me.
She has stood by my side as I've needed time to heal from getting burned in full-time ministry. She gave me space, love, support of a new adventure and a push when I truly needed it to turn my face back to the Almighty God...our Savior, Jesus. I feel filled with a passion for him that I haven't had in a while, and I wouldn't be where I am right now if she hadn't been an extraordinary wife. If she hadn't been the example of Christ to me that she has been over the last year or so (really throughout our entire relationship).
Thank you, Laurel! You are a Godsend.
Thank you, Jesus, for my wife. For using her to grab a hold of me.
The Failure of Caution...or...The Success of Wild Abandon
At my gym, I've been training a bit for American Ninja Warrior the TV show. I'm hoping to get the chance to compete on the show. It looks like a lot of fun and the training for it has been a chance to get creative and daring. One of the ways that I'm training is by using some pull up bars. I have several set up in a "monkey bar" order, but they are about 4-5 feet apart. I start on one end do a pull up and swing my legs back and forth until I decide to let go and launch toward the next bar. The first jump is 4 feet and I typically make that one without much problem. Then I pull up again and start swinging in preparation to leap toward the next bar (about 5 feet away).
As soon as I start to pull up on the second bar, my mind immediately thinks that I'm not going to make it...and I usually don't. I'll touch the bar with my hands, but I just can't hold on.
I was working out with my brother yesterday and we incorporated this "flying pull up" into our workout and I saw that he was having problems grabbing the bar as his hands hit it. I could see that if he just let go mentally he would easily be able to grab the bar and start swinging for the next. He had the height, distance and strength to do it, but he just wasn't connecting. So I told him he could do it, he just needs to let go mentally.
This morning I was thinking about this and I realized I've been doing the same thing when I'm swinging for the second bar. Then I opened a book that I bought awhile ago that I've been meaning to read, The Leap of Faith, and the Introduction began with a quote from Oswald Chambers:
A great deal more failure is the result of an excess of caution than of bold
experimentation with new ideas. The frontiers of the Kingdom of God were
never advanced by men and women of caution.
It did not take much deciphering on my part to realize that God is teaching me something. This last year has been a year of caution for me. It may not look like it to the outside world (I quit my job and my wife and I each started businesses in one of the worst economies the US has ever seen, we sold our house to move into an apartment in a town where this is unheard of, etc.), but many of these decisions were the safe thing to do in our lives. These were steps of self-reliance. I went from a life of abandon to God to a life that is built on pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I was determined to make things work because of my hard work and knowledge. To do what I knew would work...how I could be successful based on my education and skills. How to get the American dream.
I failed.
We didn't go bankrupt or anything like that. The business has struggled and has found success...especially for its first year (we're paying our bills). I've failed in the sense that I've been cautious in doing what God is telling me to do. I said when I started the business that it would also be ministry. That I would reach people outside of the church by working and building relationships with people outside of the church. The reality is that I've spent my time focused on building a successful business and I didn't want my "preaching" to people to mess that up. So I held back and simply ran a business.
You see, in the journey that God has been trying to bring me through...in this desert time...God is trying to get me to rely on Him again. To believe Him...to trust Him with every aspect of my life. He wants complete and wild abandon to Him. That includes every aspect of my business. I think He's preparing me for more. I think He wants to use me in ways that I can't even imagine. I think this desert time is exactly like that of the Israelites in the Old Testament and like that of Jesus in the New Testament.
The Israelites were being taught to fully trust and rely on God. They were being prepared for the Promised Land where they would multiply and become fruitful. Where they would be able to bless all nations and to share the One, True God with those who have never known Him.
Jesus was being prepared for the same thing...even greater things. He was being prepared to trust the Father. To believe the words from His mouth. To trust that His plans truly are the best. To completely abandon his wants...his desires...his comfort...his life into the hands of the One who loves beyond comprehension. And from this point, Jesus went out and started ministry. He left and lived a life that was despised by religious authorities...that literally looked crazy to his family...that defied what those closest to him thought was his "true" calling. And through this, Jesus saved us. He lived. He died. And he now lives for all eternity with the Father and the Holy Spirit for our salvation. To provide a way in which we can live with him today and forever.
It's that desert time in which God changes us. It's this time in which God is preparing me. But I have to learn to let go of my caution. To disregard all that is in me that tells me "This won't work." "You'll never make it."
The reality is, this is the only way that it will work. I will make it. But not by own strength. Not because I am skilled and educated. But because I'm willing to take that leap of faith with wild abandon and trust that the One, True God is waiting to catch me.
Forgive me, Jesus, for not trusting you. I want to take every step with complete and wild abandon. To trust you with every moment in my life. To worship you with every moment in my life. I'm letting go of that bar that I think keeps me safe and I'm flying through the air with complete confidence that I will make it. That You are God and I am not. That you truly care and love me. That you will hold true to your promises. That when I do your will...when I seek righteousness, I don't have to worry about anything else because You are there. You are here. In Jesus' name, amen. (Matt. 6:19-34)
As soon as I start to pull up on the second bar, my mind immediately thinks that I'm not going to make it...and I usually don't. I'll touch the bar with my hands, but I just can't hold on.
I was working out with my brother yesterday and we incorporated this "flying pull up" into our workout and I saw that he was having problems grabbing the bar as his hands hit it. I could see that if he just let go mentally he would easily be able to grab the bar and start swinging for the next. He had the height, distance and strength to do it, but he just wasn't connecting. So I told him he could do it, he just needs to let go mentally.
This morning I was thinking about this and I realized I've been doing the same thing when I'm swinging for the second bar. Then I opened a book that I bought awhile ago that I've been meaning to read, The Leap of Faith, and the Introduction began with a quote from Oswald Chambers:
A great deal more failure is the result of an excess of caution than of bold
experimentation with new ideas. The frontiers of the Kingdom of God were
never advanced by men and women of caution.
It did not take much deciphering on my part to realize that God is teaching me something. This last year has been a year of caution for me. It may not look like it to the outside world (I quit my job and my wife and I each started businesses in one of the worst economies the US has ever seen, we sold our house to move into an apartment in a town where this is unheard of, etc.), but many of these decisions were the safe thing to do in our lives. These were steps of self-reliance. I went from a life of abandon to God to a life that is built on pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I was determined to make things work because of my hard work and knowledge. To do what I knew would work...how I could be successful based on my education and skills. How to get the American dream.
I failed.
We didn't go bankrupt or anything like that. The business has struggled and has found success...especially for its first year (we're paying our bills). I've failed in the sense that I've been cautious in doing what God is telling me to do. I said when I started the business that it would also be ministry. That I would reach people outside of the church by working and building relationships with people outside of the church. The reality is that I've spent my time focused on building a successful business and I didn't want my "preaching" to people to mess that up. So I held back and simply ran a business.
You see, in the journey that God has been trying to bring me through...in this desert time...God is trying to get me to rely on Him again. To believe Him...to trust Him with every aspect of my life. He wants complete and wild abandon to Him. That includes every aspect of my business. I think He's preparing me for more. I think He wants to use me in ways that I can't even imagine. I think this desert time is exactly like that of the Israelites in the Old Testament and like that of Jesus in the New Testament.
The Israelites were being taught to fully trust and rely on God. They were being prepared for the Promised Land where they would multiply and become fruitful. Where they would be able to bless all nations and to share the One, True God with those who have never known Him.
Jesus was being prepared for the same thing...even greater things. He was being prepared to trust the Father. To believe the words from His mouth. To trust that His plans truly are the best. To completely abandon his wants...his desires...his comfort...his life into the hands of the One who loves beyond comprehension. And from this point, Jesus went out and started ministry. He left and lived a life that was despised by religious authorities...that literally looked crazy to his family...that defied what those closest to him thought was his "true" calling. And through this, Jesus saved us. He lived. He died. And he now lives for all eternity with the Father and the Holy Spirit for our salvation. To provide a way in which we can live with him today and forever.
It's that desert time in which God changes us. It's this time in which God is preparing me. But I have to learn to let go of my caution. To disregard all that is in me that tells me "This won't work." "You'll never make it."
The reality is, this is the only way that it will work. I will make it. But not by own strength. Not because I am skilled and educated. But because I'm willing to take that leap of faith with wild abandon and trust that the One, True God is waiting to catch me.
Forgive me, Jesus, for not trusting you. I want to take every step with complete and wild abandon. To trust you with every moment in my life. To worship you with every moment in my life. I'm letting go of that bar that I think keeps me safe and I'm flying through the air with complete confidence that I will make it. That You are God and I am not. That you truly care and love me. That you will hold true to your promises. That when I do your will...when I seek righteousness, I don't have to worry about anything else because You are there. You are here. In Jesus' name, amen. (Matt. 6:19-34)
Friday, January 18, 2013
Cathartic Posting...
I'm going to be using this blog as my own confessional for a while...maybe forever...I don't know. I'm in a spot where God is really working in me. He's grabbing me and turning my face back toward him after a long absence. I'm not fully there yet...I'm very stiff-necked...but He is making me turn little by little. So in the process, I'm going to be writing because I need it. I need a place where I can pray out-loud. I need a place where I can be open and honest. I need a place to publicly confess and ask for forgiveness. I feel like God has put this on my heart to do in order to help me become passionately obsessed with Him once again. So what's to come may be a bit raw at times. It may be more open than I really want to be. I have no idea what's to come. But I'm excited to get back on track...to start my journey with Jesus again. And my hope and prayer is that maybe you are in similar situations and are ready to do the same. I don't know what it will look like (that's usually how God works), but I know that it will be amazing and difficult and ugly and beautiful all at the same time and all in turn. Here's what has brought me here:
It's been a tough year and a half or so. There have been huge changes in our lives from job changes to career changes to moving to taking an extended break from church...which I've never done. The job and career changes have been protocol for my life, but this was different. This was changing from being a pastor to being a personal trainer. My previous changes have been moving from retail to banking to firefighting to etc...the list goes on and on, but deciding not to be a pastor was the easiest and most difficult change that I've made...and the most mentally and spiritually affecting change.
There has been a lot of hurt that has come from working in the Church.
That's why it was easy. I was at a church that was breaking me down spiritually. I was beat up. I was getting bitter and angry. Satan was using the church leadership to attack me in ways that I had never experienced.
One night, after being at this church for only about 5 months, as we were going to sleep, I could tell that Laurel wasn't feeling right and I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I feel like this whole family is going into a state of depression."
I said, "Really? I thought it was just me."
Laurel quickly replied, "Well, you're bringing the rest of us down with you."
I quit that week and started my own personal training business. It's been a good change. It has allowed me take time and heal (which is still taking place). It's created opportunities for me to be part of what God is doing outside of the Church. It has allowed us not go to church for as long as we needed...which was much longer than I expected. I love Jesus and thought we should jump right into church or starting a church, but that didn't happen.
It was actually about seven months before we decided to go to church again. It was a long haul. It was difficult but very good. I needed time. I won't go into all the details of starting a business in one of the worst recessions in America, but we did see God show up again and again even when I wasn't showing up.
Eventually, we decided to try Radiant here in Visalia, and we love it. It is exactly what we've been looking for in a church. It's all about Jesus. It doesn't look any different than your typical church service, but the attitudes of everyone seem to be in the same place...on worshiping Jesus. This is not to pass judgment on other churches, it's just to say that we found a place where we can worship Jesus wholly.
At the same time that we started going to Radiant, I was in the middle of reading the book of Numbers (nothing says, "Let's get back our love for Jesus" like the book of Numbers). It's a long book mostly consisting of lists. But right in the middle of the book in chapter 14, Caleb, Joshua and the other scouts came back to report about the Promised Land. It was a report of difficulty and impossible odds. The Israelites rebelled. And in verse 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?"
The Lord's second question had a huge impact on me. It was a rhetorical question that He was directing at me. To remember all that the Lord has done for me...all of the times I've encountered Him and to not live wholly and fully for Him is out of the question. It's crazy.
My head started to turn back toward Jesus.
We've been at Radiant for a few months now and I feel like God is really working in me. To change me. To heal me. To wake me up. To bring me back to Him. And the first question He asks in Numbers 14:11 is now what is ringing in my ears, “How long will [you, Chris,] treat me with contempt?"
Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you and I want to love you with my entire being. I want to want you more than anything, but I need you to turn my stiff-neck. Thank you, Jesus. In your name I pray. Amen.
It's been a tough year and a half or so. There have been huge changes in our lives from job changes to career changes to moving to taking an extended break from church...which I've never done. The job and career changes have been protocol for my life, but this was different. This was changing from being a pastor to being a personal trainer. My previous changes have been moving from retail to banking to firefighting to etc...the list goes on and on, but deciding not to be a pastor was the easiest and most difficult change that I've made...and the most mentally and spiritually affecting change.
There has been a lot of hurt that has come from working in the Church.
That's why it was easy. I was at a church that was breaking me down spiritually. I was beat up. I was getting bitter and angry. Satan was using the church leadership to attack me in ways that I had never experienced.
One night, after being at this church for only about 5 months, as we were going to sleep, I could tell that Laurel wasn't feeling right and I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I feel like this whole family is going into a state of depression."
I said, "Really? I thought it was just me."
Laurel quickly replied, "Well, you're bringing the rest of us down with you."
I quit that week and started my own personal training business. It's been a good change. It has allowed me take time and heal (which is still taking place). It's created opportunities for me to be part of what God is doing outside of the Church. It has allowed us not go to church for as long as we needed...which was much longer than I expected. I love Jesus and thought we should jump right into church or starting a church, but that didn't happen.
It was actually about seven months before we decided to go to church again. It was a long haul. It was difficult but very good. I needed time. I won't go into all the details of starting a business in one of the worst recessions in America, but we did see God show up again and again even when I wasn't showing up.
Eventually, we decided to try Radiant here in Visalia, and we love it. It is exactly what we've been looking for in a church. It's all about Jesus. It doesn't look any different than your typical church service, but the attitudes of everyone seem to be in the same place...on worshiping Jesus. This is not to pass judgment on other churches, it's just to say that we found a place where we can worship Jesus wholly.
At the same time that we started going to Radiant, I was in the middle of reading the book of Numbers (nothing says, "Let's get back our love for Jesus" like the book of Numbers). It's a long book mostly consisting of lists. But right in the middle of the book in chapter 14, Caleb, Joshua and the other scouts came back to report about the Promised Land. It was a report of difficulty and impossible odds. The Israelites rebelled. And in verse 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?"
The Lord's second question had a huge impact on me. It was a rhetorical question that He was directing at me. To remember all that the Lord has done for me...all of the times I've encountered Him and to not live wholly and fully for Him is out of the question. It's crazy.
My head started to turn back toward Jesus.
We've been at Radiant for a few months now and I feel like God is really working in me. To change me. To heal me. To wake me up. To bring me back to Him. And the first question He asks in Numbers 14:11 is now what is ringing in my ears, “How long will [you, Chris,] treat me with contempt?"
Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you and I want to love you with my entire being. I want to want you more than anything, but I need you to turn my stiff-neck. Thank you, Jesus. In your name I pray. Amen.
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