My wife is AMAZING! There are so many things I could say about her right now, but I want to take a moment and thank her for her unprecedented support and faithfulness. Her faithfulness in Jesus first and foremost. It's inspiring. It's convicting. And her support of me.
She has stood by my side as I've needed time to heal from getting burned in full-time ministry. She gave me space, love, support of a new adventure and a push when I truly needed it to turn my face back to the Almighty God...our Savior, Jesus. I feel filled with a passion for him that I haven't had in a while, and I wouldn't be where I am right now if she hadn't been an extraordinary wife. If she hadn't been the example of Christ to me that she has been over the last year or so (really throughout our entire relationship).
Thank you, Laurel! You are a Godsend.
Thank you, Jesus, for my wife. For using her to grab a hold of me.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The Failure of Caution...or...The Success of Wild Abandon
At my gym, I've been training a bit for American Ninja Warrior the TV show. I'm hoping to get the chance to compete on the show. It looks like a lot of fun and the training for it has been a chance to get creative and daring. One of the ways that I'm training is by using some pull up bars. I have several set up in a "monkey bar" order, but they are about 4-5 feet apart. I start on one end do a pull up and swing my legs back and forth until I decide to let go and launch toward the next bar. The first jump is 4 feet and I typically make that one without much problem. Then I pull up again and start swinging in preparation to leap toward the next bar (about 5 feet away).
As soon as I start to pull up on the second bar, my mind immediately thinks that I'm not going to make it...and I usually don't. I'll touch the bar with my hands, but I just can't hold on.
I was working out with my brother yesterday and we incorporated this "flying pull up" into our workout and I saw that he was having problems grabbing the bar as his hands hit it. I could see that if he just let go mentally he would easily be able to grab the bar and start swinging for the next. He had the height, distance and strength to do it, but he just wasn't connecting. So I told him he could do it, he just needs to let go mentally.
This morning I was thinking about this and I realized I've been doing the same thing when I'm swinging for the second bar. Then I opened a book that I bought awhile ago that I've been meaning to read, The Leap of Faith, and the Introduction began with a quote from Oswald Chambers:
A great deal more failure is the result of an excess of caution than of bold
experimentation with new ideas. The frontiers of the Kingdom of God were
never advanced by men and women of caution.
It did not take much deciphering on my part to realize that God is teaching me something. This last year has been a year of caution for me. It may not look like it to the outside world (I quit my job and my wife and I each started businesses in one of the worst economies the US has ever seen, we sold our house to move into an apartment in a town where this is unheard of, etc.), but many of these decisions were the safe thing to do in our lives. These were steps of self-reliance. I went from a life of abandon to God to a life that is built on pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I was determined to make things work because of my hard work and knowledge. To do what I knew would work...how I could be successful based on my education and skills. How to get the American dream.
I failed.
We didn't go bankrupt or anything like that. The business has struggled and has found success...especially for its first year (we're paying our bills). I've failed in the sense that I've been cautious in doing what God is telling me to do. I said when I started the business that it would also be ministry. That I would reach people outside of the church by working and building relationships with people outside of the church. The reality is that I've spent my time focused on building a successful business and I didn't want my "preaching" to people to mess that up. So I held back and simply ran a business.
You see, in the journey that God has been trying to bring me through...in this desert time...God is trying to get me to rely on Him again. To believe Him...to trust Him with every aspect of my life. He wants complete and wild abandon to Him. That includes every aspect of my business. I think He's preparing me for more. I think He wants to use me in ways that I can't even imagine. I think this desert time is exactly like that of the Israelites in the Old Testament and like that of Jesus in the New Testament.
The Israelites were being taught to fully trust and rely on God. They were being prepared for the Promised Land where they would multiply and become fruitful. Where they would be able to bless all nations and to share the One, True God with those who have never known Him.
Jesus was being prepared for the same thing...even greater things. He was being prepared to trust the Father. To believe the words from His mouth. To trust that His plans truly are the best. To completely abandon his wants...his desires...his comfort...his life into the hands of the One who loves beyond comprehension. And from this point, Jesus went out and started ministry. He left and lived a life that was despised by religious authorities...that literally looked crazy to his family...that defied what those closest to him thought was his "true" calling. And through this, Jesus saved us. He lived. He died. And he now lives for all eternity with the Father and the Holy Spirit for our salvation. To provide a way in which we can live with him today and forever.
It's that desert time in which God changes us. It's this time in which God is preparing me. But I have to learn to let go of my caution. To disregard all that is in me that tells me "This won't work." "You'll never make it."
The reality is, this is the only way that it will work. I will make it. But not by own strength. Not because I am skilled and educated. But because I'm willing to take that leap of faith with wild abandon and trust that the One, True God is waiting to catch me.
Forgive me, Jesus, for not trusting you. I want to take every step with complete and wild abandon. To trust you with every moment in my life. To worship you with every moment in my life. I'm letting go of that bar that I think keeps me safe and I'm flying through the air with complete confidence that I will make it. That You are God and I am not. That you truly care and love me. That you will hold true to your promises. That when I do your will...when I seek righteousness, I don't have to worry about anything else because You are there. You are here. In Jesus' name, amen. (Matt. 6:19-34)
As soon as I start to pull up on the second bar, my mind immediately thinks that I'm not going to make it...and I usually don't. I'll touch the bar with my hands, but I just can't hold on.
I was working out with my brother yesterday and we incorporated this "flying pull up" into our workout and I saw that he was having problems grabbing the bar as his hands hit it. I could see that if he just let go mentally he would easily be able to grab the bar and start swinging for the next. He had the height, distance and strength to do it, but he just wasn't connecting. So I told him he could do it, he just needs to let go mentally.
This morning I was thinking about this and I realized I've been doing the same thing when I'm swinging for the second bar. Then I opened a book that I bought awhile ago that I've been meaning to read, The Leap of Faith, and the Introduction began with a quote from Oswald Chambers:
A great deal more failure is the result of an excess of caution than of bold
experimentation with new ideas. The frontiers of the Kingdom of God were
never advanced by men and women of caution.
It did not take much deciphering on my part to realize that God is teaching me something. This last year has been a year of caution for me. It may not look like it to the outside world (I quit my job and my wife and I each started businesses in one of the worst economies the US has ever seen, we sold our house to move into an apartment in a town where this is unheard of, etc.), but many of these decisions were the safe thing to do in our lives. These were steps of self-reliance. I went from a life of abandon to God to a life that is built on pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I was determined to make things work because of my hard work and knowledge. To do what I knew would work...how I could be successful based on my education and skills. How to get the American dream.
I failed.
We didn't go bankrupt or anything like that. The business has struggled and has found success...especially for its first year (we're paying our bills). I've failed in the sense that I've been cautious in doing what God is telling me to do. I said when I started the business that it would also be ministry. That I would reach people outside of the church by working and building relationships with people outside of the church. The reality is that I've spent my time focused on building a successful business and I didn't want my "preaching" to people to mess that up. So I held back and simply ran a business.
You see, in the journey that God has been trying to bring me through...in this desert time...God is trying to get me to rely on Him again. To believe Him...to trust Him with every aspect of my life. He wants complete and wild abandon to Him. That includes every aspect of my business. I think He's preparing me for more. I think He wants to use me in ways that I can't even imagine. I think this desert time is exactly like that of the Israelites in the Old Testament and like that of Jesus in the New Testament.
The Israelites were being taught to fully trust and rely on God. They were being prepared for the Promised Land where they would multiply and become fruitful. Where they would be able to bless all nations and to share the One, True God with those who have never known Him.
Jesus was being prepared for the same thing...even greater things. He was being prepared to trust the Father. To believe the words from His mouth. To trust that His plans truly are the best. To completely abandon his wants...his desires...his comfort...his life into the hands of the One who loves beyond comprehension. And from this point, Jesus went out and started ministry. He left and lived a life that was despised by religious authorities...that literally looked crazy to his family...that defied what those closest to him thought was his "true" calling. And through this, Jesus saved us. He lived. He died. And he now lives for all eternity with the Father and the Holy Spirit for our salvation. To provide a way in which we can live with him today and forever.
It's that desert time in which God changes us. It's this time in which God is preparing me. But I have to learn to let go of my caution. To disregard all that is in me that tells me "This won't work." "You'll never make it."
The reality is, this is the only way that it will work. I will make it. But not by own strength. Not because I am skilled and educated. But because I'm willing to take that leap of faith with wild abandon and trust that the One, True God is waiting to catch me.
Forgive me, Jesus, for not trusting you. I want to take every step with complete and wild abandon. To trust you with every moment in my life. To worship you with every moment in my life. I'm letting go of that bar that I think keeps me safe and I'm flying through the air with complete confidence that I will make it. That You are God and I am not. That you truly care and love me. That you will hold true to your promises. That when I do your will...when I seek righteousness, I don't have to worry about anything else because You are there. You are here. In Jesus' name, amen. (Matt. 6:19-34)
Friday, January 18, 2013
Cathartic Posting...
I'm going to be using this blog as my own confessional for a while...maybe forever...I don't know. I'm in a spot where God is really working in me. He's grabbing me and turning my face back toward him after a long absence. I'm not fully there yet...I'm very stiff-necked...but He is making me turn little by little. So in the process, I'm going to be writing because I need it. I need a place where I can pray out-loud. I need a place where I can be open and honest. I need a place to publicly confess and ask for forgiveness. I feel like God has put this on my heart to do in order to help me become passionately obsessed with Him once again. So what's to come may be a bit raw at times. It may be more open than I really want to be. I have no idea what's to come. But I'm excited to get back on track...to start my journey with Jesus again. And my hope and prayer is that maybe you are in similar situations and are ready to do the same. I don't know what it will look like (that's usually how God works), but I know that it will be amazing and difficult and ugly and beautiful all at the same time and all in turn. Here's what has brought me here:
It's been a tough year and a half or so. There have been huge changes in our lives from job changes to career changes to moving to taking an extended break from church...which I've never done. The job and career changes have been protocol for my life, but this was different. This was changing from being a pastor to being a personal trainer. My previous changes have been moving from retail to banking to firefighting to etc...the list goes on and on, but deciding not to be a pastor was the easiest and most difficult change that I've made...and the most mentally and spiritually affecting change.
There has been a lot of hurt that has come from working in the Church.
That's why it was easy. I was at a church that was breaking me down spiritually. I was beat up. I was getting bitter and angry. Satan was using the church leadership to attack me in ways that I had never experienced.
One night, after being at this church for only about 5 months, as we were going to sleep, I could tell that Laurel wasn't feeling right and I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I feel like this whole family is going into a state of depression."
I said, "Really? I thought it was just me."
Laurel quickly replied, "Well, you're bringing the rest of us down with you."
I quit that week and started my own personal training business. It's been a good change. It has allowed me take time and heal (which is still taking place). It's created opportunities for me to be part of what God is doing outside of the Church. It has allowed us not go to church for as long as we needed...which was much longer than I expected. I love Jesus and thought we should jump right into church or starting a church, but that didn't happen.
It was actually about seven months before we decided to go to church again. It was a long haul. It was difficult but very good. I needed time. I won't go into all the details of starting a business in one of the worst recessions in America, but we did see God show up again and again even when I wasn't showing up.
Eventually, we decided to try Radiant here in Visalia, and we love it. It is exactly what we've been looking for in a church. It's all about Jesus. It doesn't look any different than your typical church service, but the attitudes of everyone seem to be in the same place...on worshiping Jesus. This is not to pass judgment on other churches, it's just to say that we found a place where we can worship Jesus wholly.
At the same time that we started going to Radiant, I was in the middle of reading the book of Numbers (nothing says, "Let's get back our love for Jesus" like the book of Numbers). It's a long book mostly consisting of lists. But right in the middle of the book in chapter 14, Caleb, Joshua and the other scouts came back to report about the Promised Land. It was a report of difficulty and impossible odds. The Israelites rebelled. And in verse 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?"
The Lord's second question had a huge impact on me. It was a rhetorical question that He was directing at me. To remember all that the Lord has done for me...all of the times I've encountered Him and to not live wholly and fully for Him is out of the question. It's crazy.
My head started to turn back toward Jesus.
We've been at Radiant for a few months now and I feel like God is really working in me. To change me. To heal me. To wake me up. To bring me back to Him. And the first question He asks in Numbers 14:11 is now what is ringing in my ears, “How long will [you, Chris,] treat me with contempt?"
Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you and I want to love you with my entire being. I want to want you more than anything, but I need you to turn my stiff-neck. Thank you, Jesus. In your name I pray. Amen.
It's been a tough year and a half or so. There have been huge changes in our lives from job changes to career changes to moving to taking an extended break from church...which I've never done. The job and career changes have been protocol for my life, but this was different. This was changing from being a pastor to being a personal trainer. My previous changes have been moving from retail to banking to firefighting to etc...the list goes on and on, but deciding not to be a pastor was the easiest and most difficult change that I've made...and the most mentally and spiritually affecting change.
There has been a lot of hurt that has come from working in the Church.
That's why it was easy. I was at a church that was breaking me down spiritually. I was beat up. I was getting bitter and angry. Satan was using the church leadership to attack me in ways that I had never experienced.
One night, after being at this church for only about 5 months, as we were going to sleep, I could tell that Laurel wasn't feeling right and I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I feel like this whole family is going into a state of depression."
I said, "Really? I thought it was just me."
Laurel quickly replied, "Well, you're bringing the rest of us down with you."
I quit that week and started my own personal training business. It's been a good change. It has allowed me take time and heal (which is still taking place). It's created opportunities for me to be part of what God is doing outside of the Church. It has allowed us not go to church for as long as we needed...which was much longer than I expected. I love Jesus and thought we should jump right into church or starting a church, but that didn't happen.
It was actually about seven months before we decided to go to church again. It was a long haul. It was difficult but very good. I needed time. I won't go into all the details of starting a business in one of the worst recessions in America, but we did see God show up again and again even when I wasn't showing up.
Eventually, we decided to try Radiant here in Visalia, and we love it. It is exactly what we've been looking for in a church. It's all about Jesus. It doesn't look any different than your typical church service, but the attitudes of everyone seem to be in the same place...on worshiping Jesus. This is not to pass judgment on other churches, it's just to say that we found a place where we can worship Jesus wholly.
At the same time that we started going to Radiant, I was in the middle of reading the book of Numbers (nothing says, "Let's get back our love for Jesus" like the book of Numbers). It's a long book mostly consisting of lists. But right in the middle of the book in chapter 14, Caleb, Joshua and the other scouts came back to report about the Promised Land. It was a report of difficulty and impossible odds. The Israelites rebelled. And in verse 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?"
The Lord's second question had a huge impact on me. It was a rhetorical question that He was directing at me. To remember all that the Lord has done for me...all of the times I've encountered Him and to not live wholly and fully for Him is out of the question. It's crazy.
My head started to turn back toward Jesus.
We've been at Radiant for a few months now and I feel like God is really working in me. To change me. To heal me. To wake me up. To bring me back to Him. And the first question He asks in Numbers 14:11 is now what is ringing in my ears, “How long will [you, Chris,] treat me with contempt?"
Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you and I want to love you with my entire being. I want to want you more than anything, but I need you to turn my stiff-neck. Thank you, Jesus. In your name I pray. Amen.
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