Cathartic Posting...

I'm going to be using this blog as my own confessional for a while...maybe forever...I don't know.  I'm in a spot where God is really working in me.  He's grabbing me and turning my face back toward him after a long absence.  I'm not fully there yet...I'm very stiff-necked...but He is making me turn little by little.  So in the process, I'm going to be writing because I need it.  I need a place where I can pray out-loud.  I need a place where I can be open and honest.  I need a place to publicly confess and ask for forgiveness.  I feel like God has put this on my heart to do in order to help me become passionately obsessed with Him once again.  So what's to come may be a bit raw at times.  It may be more open than I really want to be.  I have no idea what's to come.  But I'm excited to get back on track...to start my journey with Jesus again.  And my hope and prayer is that maybe you are in similar situations and are ready to do the same.  I don't know what it will look like (that's usually how God works), but I know that it will be amazing and difficult and ugly and beautiful all at the same time and all in turn.  Here's what has brought me here:

It's been a tough year and a half or so.  There have been huge changes in our lives from job changes to career changes to moving to taking an extended break from church...which I've never done.  The job and career changes have been protocol for my life, but this was different.  This was changing from being a pastor to being a personal trainer.  My previous changes have been moving from retail to banking to firefighting to etc...the list goes on and on, but deciding not to be a pastor was the easiest and most difficult change that I've made...and the most mentally and spiritually affecting change. 

There has been a lot of hurt that has come from working in the Church.

That's why it was easy.  I was at a church that was breaking me down spiritually.  I was beat up.  I was getting bitter and angry.  Satan was using the church leadership to attack me in ways that I had never experienced.

One night, after being at this church for only about 5 months, as we were going to sleep, I could tell that Laurel wasn't feeling right and I asked her what was wrong.  She said, "I feel like this whole family is going into a state of depression."

I said, "Really?  I thought it was just me."

Laurel quickly replied, "Well, you're bringing the rest of us down with you."

I quit that week and started my own personal training business.  It's been a good change.  It has allowed me take time and heal (which is still taking place).  It's created opportunities for me to be part of what God is doing outside of the Church.  It has allowed us not go to church for as long as we needed...which was much longer than I expected.  I love Jesus and thought we should jump right into church or starting a church, but that didn't happen.

It was actually about seven months before we decided to go to church again.  It was a long haul.  It was difficult but very good.  I needed time.  I won't go into all the details of starting a business in one of the worst recessions in America, but we did see God show up again and again even when I wasn't showing up.

Eventually, we decided to try Radiant here in Visalia, and we love it.  It is exactly what we've been looking for in a church.  It's all about Jesus.  It doesn't look any different than your typical church service, but the attitudes of everyone seem to be in the same place...on worshiping Jesus.  This is not to pass judgment on other churches, it's just to say that we found a place where we can worship Jesus wholly.

At the same time that we started going to Radiant, I was in the middle of reading the book of Numbers (nothing says, "Let's get back our love for Jesus" like the book of Numbers).  It's a long book mostly consisting of lists.  But right in the middle of the book in chapter 14, Caleb, Joshua and the other scouts came back to report about the Promised Land.  It was a report of difficulty and impossible odds.  The Israelites rebelled.  And in  verse 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?"

The Lord's second question had a huge impact on me.  It was a rhetorical question that He was directing at me.  To remember all that the Lord has done for me...all of the times I've encountered Him and to not live wholly and fully for Him is out of the question.  It's crazy.  

My head started to turn back toward Jesus.

We've been at Radiant for a few months now and I feel like God is really working in me.  To change me.  To heal me.  To wake me up.  To bring me back to Him.  And the first question He asks in Numbers 14:11 is now what is ringing in my ears, “How long will [you, Chris,] treat me with contempt?"  

Lord, I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I love you and I want to love you with my entire being.  I want to want you more than anything, but I need you to turn my stiff-neck.  Thank you, Jesus.  In your name I pray.  Amen.