Cathartic Posting...

I'm going to be using this blog as my own confessional for a while...maybe forever...I don't know.  I'm in a spot where God is really working in me.  He's grabbing me and turning my face back toward him after a long absence.  I'm not fully there yet...I'm very stiff-necked...but He is making me turn little by little.  So in the process, I'm going to be writing because I need it.  I need a place where I can pray out-loud.  I need a place where I can be open and honest.  I need a place to publicly confess and ask for forgiveness.  I feel like God has put this on my heart to do in order to help me become passionately obsessed with Him once again.  So what's to come may be a bit raw at times.  It may be more open than I really want to be.  I have no idea what's to come.  But I'm excited to get back on track...to start my journey with Jesus again.  And my hope and prayer is that maybe you are in similar situations and are ready to do the same.  I don't know what it will look like (that's usually how God works), but I know that it will be amazing and difficult and ugly and beautiful all at the same time and all in turn.  Here's what has brought me here:

It's been a tough year and a half or so.  There have been huge changes in our lives from job changes to career changes to moving to taking an extended break from church...which I've never done.  The job and career changes have been protocol for my life, but this was different.  This was changing from being a pastor to being a personal trainer.  My previous changes have been moving from retail to banking to firefighting to etc...the list goes on and on, but deciding not to be a pastor was the easiest and most difficult change that I've made...and the most mentally and spiritually affecting change. 

There has been a lot of hurt that has come from working in the Church.

That's why it was easy.  I was at a church that was breaking me down spiritually.  I was beat up.  I was getting bitter and angry.  Satan was using the church leadership to attack me in ways that I had never experienced.

One night, after being at this church for only about 5 months, as we were going to sleep, I could tell that Laurel wasn't feeling right and I asked her what was wrong.  She said, "I feel like this whole family is going into a state of depression."

I said, "Really?  I thought it was just me."

Laurel quickly replied, "Well, you're bringing the rest of us down with you."

I quit that week and started my own personal training business.  It's been a good change.  It has allowed me take time and heal (which is still taking place).  It's created opportunities for me to be part of what God is doing outside of the Church.  It has allowed us not go to church for as long as we needed...which was much longer than I expected.  I love Jesus and thought we should jump right into church or starting a church, but that didn't happen.

It was actually about seven months before we decided to go to church again.  It was a long haul.  It was difficult but very good.  I needed time.  I won't go into all the details of starting a business in one of the worst recessions in America, but we did see God show up again and again even when I wasn't showing up.

Eventually, we decided to try Radiant here in Visalia, and we love it.  It is exactly what we've been looking for in a church.  It's all about Jesus.  It doesn't look any different than your typical church service, but the attitudes of everyone seem to be in the same place...on worshiping Jesus.  This is not to pass judgment on other churches, it's just to say that we found a place where we can worship Jesus wholly.

At the same time that we started going to Radiant, I was in the middle of reading the book of Numbers (nothing says, "Let's get back our love for Jesus" like the book of Numbers).  It's a long book mostly consisting of lists.  But right in the middle of the book in chapter 14, Caleb, Joshua and the other scouts came back to report about the Promised Land.  It was a report of difficulty and impossible odds.  The Israelites rebelled.  And in  verse 11 The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?"

The Lord's second question had a huge impact on me.  It was a rhetorical question that He was directing at me.  To remember all that the Lord has done for me...all of the times I've encountered Him and to not live wholly and fully for Him is out of the question.  It's crazy.  

My head started to turn back toward Jesus.

We've been at Radiant for a few months now and I feel like God is really working in me.  To change me.  To heal me.  To wake me up.  To bring me back to Him.  And the first question He asks in Numbers 14:11 is now what is ringing in my ears, “How long will [you, Chris,] treat me with contempt?"  

Lord, I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I love you and I want to love you with my entire being.  I want to want you more than anything, but I need you to turn my stiff-neck.  Thank you, Jesus.  In your name I pray.  Amen. 

Jesus came to save Zombies...

I know it sounds a little different than my normal posts, but it's true.  I just wrote a post on my other blog, "BrokeGuysGym", about zombies and how to make a macebell and get in really good shape using it because zombies have been coming up over and over again at the gym.  As I was writing that post and having some fun planning for a never-gonna-happen scenario, I started thinking about Jesus...I know it's weird, but it's true.  Really I started to think about humanity which naturally led to thinking about Jesus for me.  Here's how my thinking played out...

It's crazy how much people like and/or really believe in zombies.  I wonder if I can write a sermon about that.  There were accounts of the dead rising and walking out of their tombs when Jesus was resurrected, maybe I can make that work into the power of Jesus' resurrection.  But, they weren't really the walking dead, they received life.  They were the walking living, not the walking dead.  Hmmm...I'm not sure that will work.  Maybe in Ezekiel 37 where the Valley of Dry Bones came to life.  Although, that's a message about God breathing life into the dead.  So, really Jesus is not about the dead walking, but about the dead gaining life.

Starting to sound like a sermon now, isn't it?

I started thinking about the threat that God gave Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden that went something like this, "Do not eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil or you will surely die."  But when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they didn't die.  They lived for hundreds of years.  So was this an idle threat?  Was the consequence of their actions postponed for a time period beyond the length of our lives today?  What was going on here?

It started to sink in when I began thinking about John 10:10: "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  I love this verse.  It makes me excited just reading it.  That this life we have in Christ is what life is supposed to be.  What life was meant to be when God created humanity.  This is life.  Wait...this is life?  What happens without Christ in our lives?  Is there life without Jesus?  I know that eternal life is only through Jesus, but what about life now?

Maybe when God told Adam that he would surely die if he ate the forbidden fruit, He didn't mean a physical death.  Maybe He was talking about the separation that occurs between us and Him because of sin.  Maybe he was warning Adam that if he eats this fruit...if he disobeys God, there will be a void between humanity and the Almighty.  Maybe God was warning all of us that our sin causes us to lose the life not only in eternity (as if that wasn't enough), but also to lose what life is truly meant to be here on earth...walking with God.  Maybe God was warning us that through sin we become the walking dead (zombies).  We are moving, breathing, eating, etc., but we aren't really living.

Jesus came to give us life, but not just life...life to the full!  I think that spreads beyond eternity into the here and now.  Jesus came to give us eternal life, as well as, life here and now.  It's not too late.  Today is the day of salvation.  Jesus came to save us...the zombies.  We don't have to be the walking dead.  We can have life to the full!

Following Jesus...

I know I use the "..." a lot.  Mostly because I think it makes things more interesting and intriguing than a "." or "!".  I also believe that it builds anticipation...the type of anticipation that comes from watching a magician build to the climactic moment of lighter fluid springing forth from his hand..."But still: where did the lighter fluid come from?"  However, when it comes to following Jesus, I can't imagine a better way to express what is ahead.

Laurel and I have been talking about life a lot lately.  We've been discussing purpose, direction, the way society most likely views some of the choices we make (this last year makes us look totally flaky).  It makes sense to us, but we know that it can look bad to everyone else.  We've had a few job changes in the last year for different reasons and a part of that is taking steps that were in the wrong direction.

All of this could be a real downer, but as we have been talking about it all this week (brought on by each of us independently of one another coming together with similar thoughts on me getting back into full-time ministry) we have reminded one another of the way in which Scripture shows us how to live...as followers of Christ.

Laurel came across Isaiah 30:21, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'”  We were reminded that as we make decisions in life, we don't know 100% if the decision was right or wrong until after we have taken a step.  God let's us move and then shows us whether it was the right choice or not.  I love this about God.  It's stressful at times, but this is true relationship.  He doesn't force anything on us.  We have the ability to choose which way to step.

We've taken a wrong step or two this last year.  

Not because we weren't seeking God's direction or because we were trying to ignore Jesus.  We were seeking him...his direction, but we stepped the wrong way.  We see the same thing happen to Paul in Acts 16:7, "When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to."  Paul was doing what he thought he was supposed to do, but took a wrong step. 

Following Jesus is not an exact science.  And it goes infinitely beyond saying a prayer, Sunday services and cleaning up our language.  Following Jesus is action.  It is movement.  And sometimes we will move in the wrong direction.  It doesn't mean that we beat ourselves up about it.  Paul didn't.  In Acts, this passage is so casually written, that I missed it many times.  When we follow Jesus, we don't know what is to come.  When we turn, we will make mistakes, but we keep going just as Paul did.  In John chapter 3, the Holy Spirit is described as wind (which makes sense when we look at the Hebrew and the Greek).  It says in verse 8, "The wind blows wherever it pleases.  You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

Following Jesus should always make us use "...".  It's unpredictable.  It's challenging.  It's exciting.  It's life-giving.  What I've learned is that following Jesus can make you seem flaky.  Sometimes because of the way He leads (as the wind blows) and sometimes because we take a wrong step (the Spirit of Jesus would not allow us).  Either way, I would have it no other way.  I love it.  I love Him and the directions He's led me.  I hope to take steps in the right direction, but I won't let it get me down when I don't. 

We are in a good place now; however, we know that this is not a permanent place in life.  God has called me to full-time ministry and that's where I will be again.  We're trying to follow the wind.

birds, cards, and Jesus?

putting birds on things was genius. i have to admit, it went completely unnoticed in my mind until watching portlandia. birds are on everything. it's pretty amazing because birds can fly and the rest of us can't. so i think subconsciously when we see a bird on something we want it because deep down we all want to fly.

why didn't Jesus make us so we can fly?

as you know i've been trying to perform feats of strength lately. it takes work. it takes training. it takes a lot of effort, study and sweat. but i'm getting better at it. i can almost tear an entire deck of cards in two. i feel my hands, forearms and entire body getting much stronger. it's really fun too. i like it because not many people do it, and it will be great for parties.

i think it's kind of like the birds of the air. there aren't many creatures who get to do it. i assume they laugh at us internally (birds can't laugh out loud...that would just be crazy) and feel strong when they look down and realize we can't do what they do.

i don't know why Jesus made us so we can't fly. maybe it's so we realize we aren't the only ones on the planet. maybe because he knew we'd build things to overcome that. maybe he didn't want us to get cocky (bird pun intended). maybe he just wanted us to be able to marvel at his creativity and enjoy the view.

Feats of Strength...

I thought it'd be fun to post some fitness stuff on the blog since I'm a personal trainer and don't get to train all that often anymore since I'm back in full-time ministry. Today, I'm starting with some fun stuff I've been doing lately. Partly because I don't have a lot of money and partly out of my obsessive nature.

I love fitness equipment and new challenges and this is what I'm obsessing over right now, which is fun because it's cheap.

I'm trying to start performing some Feats of Strength. It's really fun and adds a different dynamic to my workouts...mostly gaining grip strength. I'll post some things I'm doing now and again. For now, I'm bending some bolts and ripping a deck of cards. I'm also posting a pic of my strongman log lift. The log isn't a Feat of Strength, but I just finished making the log and it's just AWESOME.

I'll post some fitness and nutrition tips as part of my blog and hopefully it will be helpful to you and motivating to get out there and get active...or just try something fun that you can do for people that will make them OOOOOO and AAHHHH.

I Am Truly Blessed

I have given up the internet for Lent this year, but I'm making an exception today because I need to celebrate, and you can't celebrate without sharing your good news with others. I'd explain it all, but instead I'll simply share my prayer today...

Thank you, Lord Jesus! Thank you for Ephraim and Jordan in my life. Thank you for the paperwork we signed today in order to move from foster to adoptive parents. Thank you for the amazing blessing that we have in these boys. I’m feeling joy and excitement today and I can’t really focus on anything else. Thank you that we will be able to start our adoption finalization now. You are an amazing God! I love you and thank you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Husbandry and Fatherdom

Becoming a husband didn't completely change my life like I was told. What it did for me was give me someone with whom to share my life. It has been the best decision of I have ever made (except for my faith in Jesus, of course). Marrying Laurel has made it so that I get to wake up with my best friend every morning...and my best friend is really hot...even in the morning. It has given me someone to laugh with, to dream with, to cry with (it has happened once or twice), to figure out how to live this life to its full potential, and how to truly live for Christ and to further His Kingdom.

Becoming a father really did completely change my life, but not like I was told. It's not so much in the wording as it is in the tone. The way that it's typically expressed is in a very uplifting, sweet tone, "Having kids will change your life!" The reality is that it does change your life and it is "very good" (God). But what people don't tell you is that it changes your life because your life is no longer yours. You now have this little person hanging on you from 4 am to 9 pm (Ephraim doesn't sleep much...Jordan sleeps a little more than him). You have to take them into consideration every time you decide to leave the house or even take a shower. They won't let you out of their sight most of the day, so there is no more privacy...just try to go to the bathroom alone.

Don't misunderstand me. I love Ephraim and Jordan with everything that I am, and I know that they do all of these things because they depend on us and love us so much that they want to be with us 24/7. It's a great thing...just not in the way I expected.

What I've realized as a husband and father is that my family depends on me. The decisions I make matter not only to me, but to them as well. With this in mind a lot of times I try to make the safe decisions. The decisions that will make life most comfortable for all us. After all, my family is reliant on me.

Something changed recently.

I was reading Mark 10 (I love the Gospel of Mark...thank you Dr. Peace) and verses 17-31 jumped out at me for the first time as a husband and father. This passage talks about how hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God. I love this passage and I've learned a lot from it, but tonight I experienced the Living Word of God on my couch while I was waiting for Ephraim to finally fall asleep. The end of the passage talks about how anyone who gives up family, homes, riches, etc. for Jesus will "inherit 100 times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - along with persecutions - and in the age to come eternal life."

I had to stop reading and start praying. I thought about Jesus' example of having 100's of homes (everyone he came into contact with invited him over to eat and rest), yet had nowhere to lay his head. This is not a health and wealth message. This is a give up everything and watch God come through message.

I told God that I want to give up everything for Him. That I want to inherit 100 times as much in this age. That I want to be persecuted for Him. That I want eternal life.

I started to look around my house and think that I want to give it all up for Him.

Then I quickly thought, "I can't. I have a family to take care of. This is a single guy's prayer. I can't put my family through that at this point in my life. I have to be the leader."

Some of you already see where this is going. It took me a moment before it was clear...

I am the leader of this family. And I need to set the right example for this family. And the right example is to give up everything for Jesus. To lay down anything and everything that we have for Him. To follow him above everything else. And if that means that we don't have the easiest life, that we don't get to get comfortable, that we don't have much, then that's exactly what I should be doing as a husband and as a father.